Why Love NY

It’s nearly spring, which means baseball season is right around the corner. As such, fantasy baseball aficionados across the country are gearing up for twenty-five weeks of team management that will occupy every free minute of their day.

As one of these fantasy baseball managers, I have returned to the daily habit of checking Rotoworld for the latest news and rumors about players around the major and minor leagues. Today I caught a crucial piece of news that I had missed last night.

Kaz Matsui was a mysterious scratch from Friday’s lineup. The official diagnosis given was hemorrhoids. However, manager Cecil Cooper said after the game “it wasn’t what we thought it was.” Cooper guaranteed the second baseman will play on Saturday.

Wow. Is nothing sacred? Did Kaz volunteer this information to the team? I don’t know about you, but if I ever come down with a nasty case of ‘rhoids you’re never going to know about it.

This got me thinking. Are hemorrhoids a common ailment that keeps baseball players sidelined? A quick google search for ‘baseball hemorrhoids’ revealed that it was not. The last player publicly suffering from hemorrhoids was George Brett on the Kansas City Royals way back in 1980.

On that occasion, Brett removed himself from game two of the World Series versus the Philadelphia Phillies. Kaz is lucky it’s only spring training.

“Every time I got in the on-deck circle, every time I went someplace, everybody always had to make the wisecrack about hemorrhoids,” Brett recalls. But that unwelcome notoriety was erased when Brett hit the pine-tar home run three years later.

“Ever since July 24, 1983, now I’m the pine-tar guy. What would you rather be remembered as? So, in all honesty, it was the greatest thing that ever happened in my career.”

Man, that’s rough. So Kaz is going to have to do something in the realm of the famous pine tar incident or learn to live with the hemorrhoid cracks for the remainder of his career. Good luck with that.

While George Brett was the only other player to declare his hemorrhoids with pride, he wasn’t the only other baseball person. Don Zimmer, then bench coach of the New York Yankees, was featured in a Preparation H commercial in 2002.

“When I was approached by Preparation H, I thought this was a natural fit for me since I do use the product,” Zimmer said. “I also saw this as a great opportunity to poke a little fun at myself while being able to help others that are afflicted by this ailment.”

Ew Don, too much information.

Well, at least Kaz has another option. I’m sure Preparation H would love to break into the Japanese market. I’m imagining Bill Murray’s commercial for Suntory whiskey in the movie Lost in Translation, but with Kaz Matsui and hemorrhoid cream. Hopefully it won’t hurt his game with the ladies.

Yahoo is reporting that Kaz’s condition was “misdiagnosed as hemorrhoids”. I’m not a doctor, but what? How hard is it for a doctor to tell if the thing dangling from your ass is a hemorrhoid or not? Perhaps Matsui should get a second opinion. I hear the doctors in hemorrhoid city are excellent.

[UPDATE - 3/4/2008]

Hemorrhoids are officially no longer the most painful / embarrassing injury in baseball. Twisted testicles are.